Soul Baring

...silence could be a great protector. I couldn't afford to cry when there was no escape. Talking about my problems would only illuminate the lines of my unhappiness in the cold light of day, showing me...the things I had been able to bear only because they had been half hidden in the shadows. I couldn't expose myself like that.

 This has stuck with me since reading Girl In Translation last year. I guess it's because, for so long, I too had been living a life in silence. It was easier to pretend everything was okay. Now I find myself fighting against the silence.

These past months have been hard. I've been struggling with being in a long-distance relationship. Firefighter and I have plans to be together, but because of certain circumstances (all mine) it isn't going to happen as soon as I thought it would. And I take it out on him a lot. But during our conversations/arguments, I shut down. I don't know what to say. I'm unable to tell him what I want, and it's driving him crazy.

But the truth is that I have no idea what to do to make things better. To make it feel as though we are moving forward and not stuck in this perpetual cycle of visiting each other and then leaving. I'm sick and tired of missing him, and I'm afraid I might drive him away. So I need to work on myself.

Things I need to work on:
1. Patience: we will be together soon
2. Appreciation: in the mean time I need to be grateful for what we have
3. Self-expression: figure out what I want/need
4. Keep my walls down: don't shut Firefighter out because missing him hurts
5. Be happy: with what we have and what we will have