Love Conquers All

Does it? I'm not so sure anymore.

Before Firefighter and I met, before I gave in to loving someone completely and unconditionally, I was very logical about relationships. For me, there was right and wrong. There were things I could do and things I would never do. Somehow that changed with Firefighter. I began to feel like we could make it through anything. Through the distance, through my baggage, and through his.

There have been many factors over the years for the reason we had to continue our long distance. The main reason was mine. I wasn't able to leave the country until I had settled some things. I also was not in a position to have Firefighter come here without a job.

This past February was the month it could have all happened. We are both free to be together. All outside factors no longer exist to prevent either of us from moving. Because Firefighter has a job and is making enough money to support us both, the plan was for me to move there and try to find a teaching job.  I sold my car, left my job (which was easy because it wasn't really what I wanted to do) and was prepared to begin a life anew. However, Firefighter has decided he is not ready. I have tried to be patient and understanding, but it's difficult. I feel like this is the time in my life where I should be planning and looking towards the future. I don't want the constant back and forth anymore. It has not been easy for me to decide to move to Bermuda. I have already given up a lot to be with Firefighter. Not only material things, but also a secure source of income and benefits. I decided to get my degree in teaching because I believed it would easy for me to get a teaching job. It was not my first choice. Now he's telling me he wants me to wait longer. So, what should I do? Keep my life on hold until he's suddenly ready to start our life together?

It sounds ridiculous. My logical side leaves me feeling stupid at times. I think about all the decisions I have made because of how much I wanted us to be together, because I love him. It's making me feel like I should move on and begin my life without Firefighter. As much as I love him, I just can't live a life in limbo. So, I've been trying to factor Firefighter out when I think about my dreams and what I want to accomplish in my lifetime.

My heart on the other hand is telling me something else. That this love can conquer all.

"Would You Like the Extended Warranty?"

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I'm the world's biggest klutz. I have bumped and bruised just about every part of my body. I trip at least once a day at work. I some times worry I may appear to be drunk ALL the time! My personal belongings also suffer from my lack of coordination. I have broken more glasses and spilled more drinks than the average human. My blackberry once ended up in the toilet. I've even dropped my laptop off Firefighter's bed and onto the hard, tiled floor. My Kindle had to be replaced THREE times by Amazon (who by the way has the best return policy) because I kept accidentally stepping on it. This is the reason I always sign up for the extended warranty when purchasing high priced items. At some point, I always have to return it to the store to be fixed, replaced or refunded.

The whole point of this is that I've been wondering what it would be like if you could get a warranty on ANYTHING!!! All the time and effort you spent getting ready for an important meeting at work--you get it all back and can instead go out to dinner with your friends. The 9 years I spent in my first relationship: the times I chose to spend with Ex instead of my family and friends, the nights I spent stressing because I knew I should break up with him, choosing to stay in the US instead of going to school in Taiwan! The last 3 years with Firefighter: the money we've spent, the decisions I've made, my heart... It's been difficult and it's becoming harder each day.

At this point, I thought I would already be living in Bermuda. Everything we've planned is now falling apart. I'm worrying about every detail, questioning everything! What choice should I make? It's so hard because once I've made it there is no warranty. I can't get it back. My time, effort, heart...

So, I do wish these life decisions came with a warranty. It would help me be braver and take chances that I normally wouldn't take. I spend so much time analyzing things that I some times cannot just enjoy the moment. I look at every angle and outcome. But knowing I could get it all back, and have a second chance or third or even fourth...what a difference that would make!

How would your life be different if you could get that extended warranty?
Would you even take it?

Loving You

I  listened closely
today
and I swear
to you
that my
heartbeat,
in perfect
Morse Code,
was slowly
and efficiently
typing out
your name.

My Path

So it's finally here! I am in Bermuda!

After a summer filled with uncertainty and working up the courage to tell my father my plans, I'm here. How do I feel? Honestly, I still have doubts. This week has been filled with both joy and laughter, and tears and pain. I still wonder if it is the right decision. I have already given up my job, which not only provided financial stability, but also provided me with health, dental and eyecare insurance. I have also decided to sell my car and defer my student loans. Plus, I won't see my family!

I've left all that to come to a country where I won't have ANY of it. I cannot get a job because I don't have a work permit. I don't even know when I will be getting one. At the end of the month I have to go back to the states to finalize some things before I can move forward with this leaving me feeling like I'm in vacation mode. I don't feel at home...not yet at least. 

Things are also a bit rocky between Firefighter and I. I don't think I'm willing to share more on this. Not just yet anyway.

To some, myself included (I'm a Virgo), this doesn't seem practical. I have always done what was expected. I was valedictorian of my high school class, received a full scholarship to college and then went on to get my Masters. The next step would have been to start my career. It wasn't easy, but I found a job. It wasn't what I wanted, but I know if I stuck with it, once the position I wanted opened up, they would have given it to me. 

So why give it up? Why leave everything behind for this uncertainty? The only answer I have, which embarrasses me every time I admit it, is because I love Firefighter. I want to build my life and future with him. All the doubts, the rough patches, the uncertainty and instability somehow do not compare to not being here with him. 

Maybe I'm a fool, but this is the path I'm on. At least for now...

Soul Baring

...silence could be a great protector. I couldn't afford to cry when there was no escape. Talking about my problems would only illuminate the lines of my unhappiness in the cold light of day, showing me...the things I had been able to bear only because they had been half hidden in the shadows. I couldn't expose myself like that.

 This has stuck with me since reading Girl In Translation last year. I guess it's because, for so long, I too had been living a life in silence. It was easier to pretend everything was okay. Now I find myself fighting against the silence.

These past months have been hard. I've been struggling with being in a long-distance relationship. Firefighter and I have plans to be together, but because of certain circumstances (all mine) it isn't going to happen as soon as I thought it would. And I take it out on him a lot. But during our conversations/arguments, I shut down. I don't know what to say. I'm unable to tell him what I want, and it's driving him crazy.

But the truth is that I have no idea what to do to make things better. To make it feel as though we are moving forward and not stuck in this perpetual cycle of visiting each other and then leaving. I'm sick and tired of missing him, and I'm afraid I might drive him away. So I need to work on myself.

Things I need to work on:
1. Patience: we will be together soon
2. Appreciation: in the mean time I need to be grateful for what we have
3. Self-expression: figure out what I want/need
4. Keep my walls down: don't shut Firefighter out because missing him hurts
5. Be happy: with what we have and what we will have

First Kiss Remembered

Two years ago today Firefighter and I shared our first kiss. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. I remember standing under the moonlight with the waves coming in around us knowing that everything had changed forever. Today we share so much more, but that one special moment and all the kisses that follow still leave me melting.
I decided to share one of my favorite Faith Hill songs to celebrate all our kisses!

             This Kiss

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby, hello, oh no, goodbye,
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment
It's impossible
This kiss, this kiss,
Unstoppable
This kiss, this kiss

Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby, I'm forever yours

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment
It's unthinkable
This kiss, this kiss,
Unsinkable
This kiss, this kiss

You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky
You can kiss me with the window open
While the rain comes pouring inside
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let's let everything slide
You got me floating, you got me flying

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment
It's subliminal
This kiss, this kiss,
It's criminal
This kiss, this kiss

One More Night

It's my last night in Bermuda and I'm trying to finish a lesson plan. Well, right now I'm taking a break to write this blog. Firefighter is sitting beside me watching tv. It's so nice being able to do this with him at my side. It gives me a glimpse into what our future will be like together.

I had such an amazing time. Well, I guess I always do. Firefighter is always coming up with fun outings for us. Today we took a drive to one end of the island and then took the ferry into town, where we had lunch. He didn't tell me his plans before hand because he wanted to surprise me. I think it's funny that he knew how thrilled I would be to ride the ferry.

Okay, I'm going to finish my work so I can spend time with Firefighter. Graduate school is keeping me so busy!!!!

By the way, the title for this blog comes from Firefighter. He keeps singing the song, One More Night. It's pretty cute but funny. Lol

The Doubt That Lingers

I'm not exactly show when I lost the ability to trust. Or maybe it's something I never really fully developed. All I know is that as far back as I can remember there has been a wall around my heart. I know that's a silly cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it. I am so aware of it that it has become a tangible force. I can feel when it's thinning and when it begins to rebuild it's defense. Some times I can control it but for the most part it's like a white blood cell, protecting me from hurt.

There hasn't been anyone in my life I can be completely open with. Like the woman in the Bruce Springsteen song, I too have a secret garden. And although the people closest to me, my mother, sister, Skye and somehow Firefighter all hover right on the border I can't seem to give them the key. Skye and I have been best friends since the Fall of 2002 and now, almost 8 years later our relationship continues to grow and build the trust that I have never had with anyone outside of my family. I have known Firefight for less that a year, but he has already made it past so many barriers. And he did it with such little resistance. I find myself having to stop from revealing things that I have never told anyone. Things I haven't even been able to say out loud. I can see myself giving in the the power he seems to hold to make me feel...I can see myself giving him the key. But I don't know if I should.

The fact that I may never completely let my guard down worries me.  But what's even more terrifying is the fact that giving my all would leave me completely defenseless. In my last post I explained the whole facebook fiasco. I know you can't control someone's actions and he can't control his ex from posting pictures of them on the internet. But it leaves traces of doubt in me. I can't help it. It's just there.

So here are the lyrics to the song that I always feel was written just for me.

         Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knocking late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go driving around
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That will bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into the secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far did you get
That place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down the path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
And she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million mile away

My Romance Novel Boyfriend

This is a bit late but I wanted to blog about my last trip to Bermuda. I apologize in advance for sounding like a sappy, love-sick, puppy. As always I had a spectacular time. Being with Firefighter helped to alleviate some of my anxieties and fears. He is such an amazing guy. If I didn't know him I wouldn't believe someone like him actually existed.
 
The first afternoon there we went to a park that overlooked the ocean. Firefighter brought a bottle of wine and glasses. We spent hours sitting there and talking. It set the tone for the rest of my days there. We took each day at a time, just happy to be in each others' presence.

On mornings, we would either go running on the beach or head to the gym. Some days we would go site seeing, exploring forts on the island. Firefighter made lunch or dinner or both!

Overall we spent a lot of time talking. I learn new things about him every day and it only makes me love him more. He is considerate and kind. We share a lot of the same values and opinions. I feel (get ready to throw up) like we were destined to meet. Everything in my life has been leading me towards him. I feel lucky enough to have that happen twice in my life. The first time was with my best friend Skye.

And what am I doing instead of just enjoying these wonderful moments and treasuring our memories? I wonder if this is all too good to be true.  Everything in life is suddenly moving along the right path... Skye and I are both in graduate school. I have a boyfriend who is thoughtful and considerate. My family is healthy and happy. I'm just afraid of everything coming crashing down. Sorry I'm ending on such a cynical note. I'm trying!!!!

Runaway

I'm an eternal pessimist. No matter how hard I try to just live in the moment and enjoy the life I have right now, I can't. I am always thinking about the worst case scenario.

It has been a little over 7 months since Firefighter and I decided to make things official. Last week I went to Bermuda to spend the week with him. The week before I left I had a panic attack. It suddenly hit me...I am completely head over heels over this man. As each day goes by I grow more in-love with him. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can picture our lives together. These are scary words for me.

I have to admit there is a part of me ready to run. To end it now and save myself what could become heartbreak in the future. Love is not something I deal with well. It terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable. In my life I have tried my best to not grow attached to anyone. There are only a few friends in my life right now who I would be devastated if we lost contact. I protect my heart the way some people protect the valuables.

Trust is another. And although I do trust him, my self-doubt and past relationship makes me wonder what would keep him from straying. I know I'm setting myself up for failure. But in my experience I have learned that besides myself there are only 3 people I can truly count on: my mother, my sister and my best friend, Skye. I almost ran away from her friendship! I guess I should learn from that. I gave myself a chance to let someone in and I can't imagine what my life would be without her.

Solace in a Book

Firefighter left on Thursday. We had an amazing visit. The first thing we did when he got here was buy him some gloves and a scarf. Although Bermuda does get quite chilly it can never compare to Boston's winter. He was freezing! We were both staying at a hotel in downtown Boston but, a lot of the weekend was spent at my house with my family. It was nice to see him interacting with them. Although he has spent time with them before it has never been as my boyfriend. On Friday we went to my office Christmas party. It was really nice to see everyone all dressed up and in a festive mood. Firefighter looked so hot. Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures but I should be able to get one from work. I'll try to post one later. The rest of the week flew by. We spent a lot of time in downtown Boston, walking around in the cold. I loved being able to spend everyday with him. Falling asleep and waking up next to him everyday was bliss.

Now it's been about about 5 days without him. Saying goodbye at the airport was harder than I thought. I expected sadness but the overwhelming feeling of melancholy and the tears I had to fight so hard to hold back came as a complete surprise. I can't believe how much his leaving has affected me. I rushed back to the hotel and went right back to sleep. When I woke up the first thing I did was start reading.

I spent most of my childhood and teen years buried in a book. No matter what the circumstance I could get lost in a new world. So to keep my mind off of Firefighter and to stop myself from missing him so much, I'm reading The Lovely Bones. I've been wanting to read it for a number of years. Now, with the movie being released in January I want to get it done. So far it's amazing. You are able to walk along with the main character as she follows the lives of the people she left on Earth after her death. It is at once beautiful and painful.

So that's what I'll be doing for the next two of week, until the 31st. That's when I'll be flying to spend New Year's Eve with Firefighter. I can't wait to see him again.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I absolutely hate Ren and Stimpy. It was such a gross cartoon. But for some reason their "Happy Happy Joy Joy" song is exactly want I want to hop around in circles and sing. Firefighter is coming to visit. It's been almost 2 months since we last saw each other. We didn't plan on going this long without one of us visiting but plans fell through last month. Thankfully his flight gets in this Thursday. That's December 10th. That means I have 2 days to finish cleaning. Not that I live in a pig sty. But I have way too many clothes, shoes, purses and books. (What am I saying? You can never have too many books!) I'm running out of space to put it all. So it's all about reorganizing and getting rid of things I haven't used in years.

I don't know why it's so hard to throw things out. Every little thing seems to hold some value...and not monetary. I'm talking sentimental crap. I'll keep a shirt even if it can't fit me anymore because at some point I had great memories wearing it. Or a test in school that I scored an A on, which is a lot. (Not bragging. I just did really well in school. If there was an option to make money doing it, I would be a professional student.) So as you can imagine I have A LOT of stuff. I am just determined to not have a cluttered bedroom when Firefighter gets here.

I am extremly excited. So far I have been the one visiting. Firefighter will finally be on my turf. He'll be the guest and I get to show him around. I don't have a lot of stuff planned. My company Holiday party is on Friday so he'll be accomanying me. I wonder if it's too soon to throw him into an event like that. What do you think?

Long Distance: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

When we first met, Firefighter and I were both adamant and vocal about not getting involved in a long-distance relationship. Neither of us wanted to deal with it. However, I am obviously irresistible so he relented and convinced me to do the same. HA HA! But seriously, I think we both realized that this was more than a summer fling. The feelings we were developing for each other were strong and not something either of us wanted to pass on. So here we are, a little over 4 months to the day we met and in a relationship neither of us thought we wanted. And as with any relationship there are pros and cons. I've decided to channel Clint Eastwood and tell you about the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. (Clint is so hot in that movie!)

The Good: Being able to still enjoy lots of "me" time. Don't get me wrong. I would love to spend all my time with Firefighter. But being single gave me a chance to really appreciate the person I was. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but my ex and I got together when I was 18. That meant I spent my entire adult life as one half of a couple. Being single was a chance to really focus on me. I have been able to learn things about myself that I wasn't able to while being in a relationship. Not to mention the fact I can't become totally clingy and needy. How could I with him a million miles away? Another plus is all the things we learn about each other through phone calls, email, talking on facebook chat and even snail mail. Communication is the main ingredient in our twosome and it's great. Since it's all we have for now we make the most of it.

The Bad: Obviously the main problem I have is I don't get to see my boyfriend whenever I want. We don't get to do the normal things that couples do. There are no weekly date nights or even a late night rendezvous. We can't run errands together. It becomes difficult to decide to go do things on your own when you want to be able to share that experience with the person you love.

and finally

The Ugly: Okay. I'm going to be perfectly honest here. Thank goodness for anonymity. No one in my "real world" knows about this blog except Skye, and I tell her everything anyway so it doesn't matter. Here goes: My personal grooming has taken a dive. Yes! I know. Gross! Summer is over and with the cold comes pants, jeans, leggings and tights. So no one ever really sees my legs anymore. Why should I bother shaving them? Firefighter isn't going to see them for a while and I'll wax them before that. But right now I can't be bothered.

Back to Bermuda

Once again I find myself in Bermuda. I was home for only a week before my ticket was booked. I know it sounds crazy, but a week away felt more like a month. Plus, I wasn't thinking clearly...I guess that's obvious. I just wanted to be with Firefighter again. Silly: yes. Obsessed: hopefully not. All I know is I've never had such intense feelings about anyone before and the fact that we've grown so close in such a short amount of time speaks volumes. I can tell him anything. I'm constantly pushing my boundaries and it's okay.Well, not completely okay. I still freak out when I think about it. How can I let my guard down? I have friends who I've known for years and they don't know a quarter of the things I've told Firefighter.

I think it helps that he sees me for who I am. He doesn't have any preconceived notions of how I should act. He takes me for me. I don't get that a lot. I'm seen as the "good" girl...the perfect girl. Great student, studious, respectful. And although that is a part of who I am, it isn't everything. There is so much pressure to live up to people's expectations. I never have to pretend around Firefighter. I can let my guard down without fear of judgment or criticism.

The next time we see each other will be in the States. Firefighter doesn't have time off until mid November so it will be 4 weeks before we see each other again. :o(

Oh! It's now official. He's my boyfriend. It's really silly to have the "official" title now. Nothing is really going to change from how it has been going. But now I can change my status on facebook to "in a relationship." lol.

Falling

I am having so much fun with Firefighter. Since he had to work on my birthday, we decided to celebrate the day before. (Firefighter's schedule is pretty crazy. He works one day from 7am to 11pm, but then has the next day or two off.) We went out for dinner and drinks. It gave us an opportunity to talk and enjoy being in each others company. At midnight, mid sentence, he kissed me and wished me Happy Birthday.
During Firefighter's days off, we spend every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment together. He is such an amazing guy. I am enjoying every minute. My only distress comes when I stop enjoying the moment and start worrying about what we're doing. To make matters worse, Firefighter decided to tell me how he felt about me. I have a hard time discussing my emotions, so this is never something I enjoy doing. I told him to stop but he insisted in letting me know that he was falling in love with me. I really freaked out.

I have just been so happy by myself. I spent my entire adult life in a relationship and this past year and a half has been wonderful. I have been able to learn so much about myself. Adding another factor into an almost perfect equation would be crazy. Unfortunately, I've developed the same feelings for him. I told him I feel the same way but couldn't actually say the "L" word. Now, I'm filled with doubt and fear. But at the same time, hope is building inside of me. Can I really have fallen in love after knowing this man for only 2 months? Should I really dive into a relationship. The practical side of me says no. How can this possibly be real? How can I make this work? How can WE make this work? But every emotion and instinct is pushing me towards him. I don't want to lose him and everything in me is telling me not to run from this.

               Falling

I don’t know, but I think, I maybe fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly, maybe I should keep this to myself
Wait until I know you better

I am trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here, and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you, and we start to dance
All around us, I see nobody
Here in silence, it’s just you and me

I’m trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it, my heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you 

I can’t stop thinking about it, I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it, I think I’m fallin’ for you

Que Sera Sera

My birthday is this Friday, September 4, and I will be in Bermuda. Yes, I'm headed back to the island this Thursday. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I have never felt this way about anyone before and want to spend more time with Firefighter. Here are some words of advice I received from my best friend. (I'm going to call her Skye)

Well you have a decent job and no major bills and a place to stay in Bermuda so you can do the visit thing. Plus there is skype and you handle long distance well.

Stop talking yourself out of it! Enjoy it! Plus he's far away so you won't get totally encompassed by the relationship. Give yourself a chance to be happy.

Just take it day by day. Allow yourself to enjoy it!

Whether the end is a fairytale or nightmare it's worth it. Be brave enough to really truly feel and experience. The gift is in the moment.

Do NOT run away from this one.

So I'll be in Bermuda on September 3rd. Firefighter and I are both very excited to spend my birthday together. We also have have plans for Labor Day with his friends. I can't wait to see where this leads.

Just a Fling?

Sand in my Shoes

Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it 'till tomorrow t0 unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
Should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on a plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can watch the sunset
And take my time
Take all our time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes, to change and turn me around, I've fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see you again

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

I wanna see you again
I wanna see you again

Firefighter and I both decided we didn't want a long distance relationship. I'm not even sure I want any type of relationship. I've been enjoying the time I've had to work on the person I would like to be. I've been happy on my own. But I've been missing him so much since I've been back in Boston. How is it possible to miss someone so much when you barely know him? We have been keeping in contact so I'm beginning to learn more about him. And the more I learn, the more I like.

Summer Romance

So my vacation is over and I'm back in Boston. What did I decide to do about my flirtation? Well, I'll start from where I left off.

I didn't see Firefighter again until the middle of the week. He came over just as my uncle and I were leaving to take a change of clothes to my younger cousin at his job. My uncle decided that Firefighter and I could go instead. I was so nervous. I hadn't seen him since the day after the wedding and we hadn't discussed what happened that night. I wasn't ready. Firefighter rides a bike. The good thing about that is you can't do much talking. The bad thing is there is A LOT of physical contact...okay maybe that's a good thing too. We took the clothes to my cousin and then Firefighter took me riding all over the island. We went to his station at the airport and he introduced me to his coworkers. It was an amazing day and we never discussed what was happening between us. We just enjoyed each other.

Headed to the party!

The next time I saw him was at a party my aunt hosted at her house on the weekend. He came with his friends and they invited me to spend the following day with them. The Non-Mariners Race is a day when people take their boats a couple hundred feet out, tie them together and party. Of course I said I would go. Once again he didn't try anything. We hung out with his friends, swam from boat to boat and basically had a fun day on the water. At this point I wasn't sure how he was feeling. After being all over me at the wedding to not touching me at all. I was soooo... confused.

On my last night in Bermuda I didn't know what to do. I kept thinking about him and wondering what was going to happen. I hadn't seen him since Non-Mariners and was worried I wouldn't see him before I left. My aunt decided to take us all out for dinner that night. When we got back to the house after dinner Firefighter was leaving. He had come by to see us before we left. I was so happy and relieved to see him. That night we stayed up until 4am talking. And I really mean talking. Yes, we did kiss but we talked about everything. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I was able to open up to him and I wasn't afraid to say anything. I don't know what it is about him but I'm comfortable enough to let him hold me. I don't even like shaking hands and even with friends I'm uncomfortable hugging. Even when I have dated other people (all 2 of them, ha ha) I have never been someone who enjoyed cuddling.

This feeling is quite new to me. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I usually fall for personalities, but I was instantly attracted to Firefighter and now he turns out to be a great guy as well. Although I love the feeling I'm not sure if I like it. Now we're miles apart and I spend my time missing him. We both agreed that even though we felt strongly about each other we weren't interested in a long distance relationship. However, since I've been back we're texting each other, chatting on facebook or talking on the phone. A day hasn't gone by when I haven't communicated with him. I don't know what to do. Should I just consider it a summer fling?

Tempted to Touch

I first saw him at the rehearsal dinner. As you know, I'm in Bermuda for my cousin's wedding. My aunt was hosting the rehearsal dinner at her house and I was helping cook. I was hot and sweaty, and that was when we were introduced.
 
Let me give you a little background info. My aunt has been married to her husband for about 20 years and they have 2 sons together. My aunt has 2 sons from a previous marriage and her husband had one, I'm going to call him Firefighter. (Thanks E for giving me the ideas for nicknames) I have always known of his existence but we had never met and I have never paid much attention to him while looking at pictures. Both my Mom and younger sister had met him on their previous trips to Bermuda. I on the other hand was never interested in knowing about him...that is until I saw him. He is gorgeous.

Firefighter on the right

I didn't really say anything to him that night. I just stayed back and observed. The next time I saw him was at the wedding. He looked amazing in his suit. The best part about him being in the wedding party was I was able to stare and take pictures without anyone thinking I was being a stalker. Ha ha. We spent time together at the reception but were always part of a group. After the wedding, my female friend V, my sister, my male cousin J and Firefighter decided we weren't ready to go home after the reception. Instead we headed to a club/bar that was inside the hotel. Usually, I'm extremely shy, but as you know once alcohol is added to any equation it allows you to lose your inhibitions and speak freely. I became a bit flirtatious. V was being flirty too, so I wasn't sure what he was thinking. That is until he pulled me towards him to dance.

Once again I wasn't ready for the night to end so I suggested going to the beach. We headed back to the house to change, took Firefighter to his house to get his swimsuit and went to the beach. The sky was clear and the moon was high and bright, reflecting beautifully on the water's surface. My sister and J sat on the shore and watched us as we splashed around. It was a lot of fun. When we were leaving Firefighter and I lagged behind a bit and he kissed me. It was perfect. When we got back to my aunt's house he and I sat outside and talked...okay, it was more than talking. But I didn't let things get to far. I told him we had both been drinking and weren't thinking clearly. I said we should wait until tomorrow to decide how we really felt about each other.

Because I am extremely shy I ignored him the next day. I felt arkward and unsure of what I was doing. The family all had breakfast together and then we went to the beach again. Firefighter took us all on a nature walk and I had to do my best to not stare at him. I kept sneaking glances while trying not to be too obvious. That night we had dinner at my aunt's house. When it was time for him to leave I caught his eye and smiled...trying to let him know that I felt the same way without saying anything. Now I have to figure out what I should do.