I'm an eternal pessimist. No matter how hard I try to just live in the moment and enjoy the life I have right now, I can't. I am always thinking about the worst case scenario.
It has been a little over 7 months since Firefighter and I decided to make things official. Last week I went to Bermuda to spend the week with him. The week before I left I had a panic attack. It suddenly hit me...I am completely head over heels over this man. As each day goes by I grow more in-love with him. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can picture our lives together. These are scary words for me.
I have to admit there is a part of me ready to run. To end it now and save myself what could become heartbreak in the future. Love is not something I deal with well. It terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable. In my life I have tried my best to not grow attached to anyone. There are only a few friends in my life right now who I would be devastated if we lost contact. I protect my heart the way some people protect the valuables.
Trust is another. And although I do trust him, my self-doubt and past relationship makes me wonder what would keep him from straying. I know I'm setting myself up for failure. But in my experience I have learned that besides myself there are only 3 people I can truly count on: my mother, my sister and my best friend, Skye. I almost ran away from her friendship! I guess I should learn from that. I gave myself a chance to let someone in and I can't imagine what my life would be without her.
Ok deep breath.
ReplyDeleteNow try and relax.....
I know exactly how you feel. But don't the past damage your future. Take things a day at a time and just enjoy them! YOU'VE MADE IT 7 MONTHS!!!! Wahooo!!!! Remember 7 months ago you didn't even think it would last that long? And it did! Just enjoy :) And don't forget to smile!! Hope you have a wonderful trip and can't wait to read all about it.