First Kiss Remembered

Two years ago today Firefighter and I shared our first kiss. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. I remember standing under the moonlight with the waves coming in around us knowing that everything had changed forever. Today we share so much more, but that one special moment and all the kisses that follow still leave me melting.
I decided to share one of my favorite Faith Hill songs to celebrate all our kisses!

             This Kiss

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry
I don't want to learn the hard way
Baby, hello, oh no, goodbye,
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment
It's impossible
This kiss, this kiss,
Unstoppable
This kiss, this kiss

Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby, I'm forever yours

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment
It's unthinkable
This kiss, this kiss,
Unsinkable
This kiss, this kiss

You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky
You can kiss me with the window open
While the rain comes pouring inside
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let's let everything slide
You got me floating, you got me flying

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss

It's that pivotal moment
It's subliminal
This kiss, this kiss,
It's criminal
This kiss, this kiss

The Doubt That Lingers

I'm not exactly show when I lost the ability to trust. Or maybe it's something I never really fully developed. All I know is that as far back as I can remember there has been a wall around my heart. I know that's a silly cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it. I am so aware of it that it has become a tangible force. I can feel when it's thinning and when it begins to rebuild it's defense. Some times I can control it but for the most part it's like a white blood cell, protecting me from hurt.

There hasn't been anyone in my life I can be completely open with. Like the woman in the Bruce Springsteen song, I too have a secret garden. And although the people closest to me, my mother, sister, Skye and somehow Firefighter all hover right on the border I can't seem to give them the key. Skye and I have been best friends since the Fall of 2002 and now, almost 8 years later our relationship continues to grow and build the trust that I have never had with anyone outside of my family. I have known Firefight for less that a year, but he has already made it past so many barriers. And he did it with such little resistance. I find myself having to stop from revealing things that I have never told anyone. Things I haven't even been able to say out loud. I can see myself giving in the the power he seems to hold to make me feel...I can see myself giving him the key. But I don't know if I should.

The fact that I may never completely let my guard down worries me.  But what's even more terrifying is the fact that giving my all would leave me completely defenseless. In my last post I explained the whole facebook fiasco. I know you can't control someone's actions and he can't control his ex from posting pictures of them on the internet. But it leaves traces of doubt in me. I can't help it. It's just there.

So here are the lyrics to the song that I always feel was written just for me.

         Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knocking late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go driving around
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That will bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into the secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far did you get
That place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down the path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
And she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million mile away

Falling

I am having so much fun with Firefighter. Since he had to work on my birthday, we decided to celebrate the day before. (Firefighter's schedule is pretty crazy. He works one day from 7am to 11pm, but then has the next day or two off.) We went out for dinner and drinks. It gave us an opportunity to talk and enjoy being in each others company. At midnight, mid sentence, he kissed me and wished me Happy Birthday.
During Firefighter's days off, we spend every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment together. He is such an amazing guy. I am enjoying every minute. My only distress comes when I stop enjoying the moment and start worrying about what we're doing. To make matters worse, Firefighter decided to tell me how he felt about me. I have a hard time discussing my emotions, so this is never something I enjoy doing. I told him to stop but he insisted in letting me know that he was falling in love with me. I really freaked out.

I have just been so happy by myself. I spent my entire adult life in a relationship and this past year and a half has been wonderful. I have been able to learn so much about myself. Adding another factor into an almost perfect equation would be crazy. Unfortunately, I've developed the same feelings for him. I told him I feel the same way but couldn't actually say the "L" word. Now, I'm filled with doubt and fear. But at the same time, hope is building inside of me. Can I really have fallen in love after knowing this man for only 2 months? Should I really dive into a relationship. The practical side of me says no. How can this possibly be real? How can I make this work? How can WE make this work? But every emotion and instinct is pushing me towards him. I don't want to lose him and everything in me is telling me not to run from this.

               Falling

I don’t know, but I think, I maybe fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly, maybe I should keep this to myself
Wait until I know you better

I am trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here, and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you, and we start to dance
All around us, I see nobody
Here in silence, it’s just you and me

I’m trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it, my heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you 

I can’t stop thinking about it, I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it, I think I’m fallin’ for you

Just a Fling?

Sand in my Shoes

Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it 'till tomorrow t0 unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
Should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on a plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can watch the sunset
And take my time
Take all our time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes, to change and turn me around, I've fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see you again

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

I wanna see you again
I wanna see you again

Firefighter and I both decided we didn't want a long distance relationship. I'm not even sure I want any type of relationship. I've been enjoying the time I've had to work on the person I would like to be. I've been happy on my own. But I've been missing him so much since I've been back in Boston. How is it possible to miss someone so much when you barely know him? We have been keeping in contact so I'm beginning to learn more about him. And the more I learn, the more I like.

We are the World

Although the majority of people who mourn his death did not know him personally, Micheal Jackson touched many lives. His music was able to travel beyond borders, race and religion. It taught me each person, no matter how small the task, could "Heal the World."

Man in the Mirror

I'm gonna make a change for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right
As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowing my mind
I see the kids in the street without enough to eat
Who am I to be blind pretending not to see their needs

A summer's disregard
A broken bottle top
And one's man soul
They follow each other on the wind you know
But they've got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at your self and make a change

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home
Not a nickle to loan
Could it be really me pretending that they're not alone

A willow deeply scared
Somebody's broken heart
And a washed out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind you see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at your self and make a change

First Impressions

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten