Silver Lining

Some times I really can't believe how blessed I am. When everything is fading away, and I am struggling through the fog, something happens that shows me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sorry for all the cliches. But it really it true: when a door closes a window opens. I might as well add another one. HA HA.

Anyway, I was joking around with my boss today about getting a raise. I was pointing out why I was important to the company and that he was lucky I started back when I did. (Have I mentioned that I am now working at the company I worked at before I went into my Masters program?) I didn't think he was taking me seriously, but he gave me a call this afternoon to let me know that he was actually going to give me a raise! A 40% raise!

Now, I know money can't buy happiness. But it just shows me that I have many options and that my skills are really worth something. 

There are other opportunities that have been popping up, but more on that when I know it's more concrete!

Love Conquers All

Does it? I'm not so sure anymore.

Before Firefighter and I met, before I gave in to loving someone completely and unconditionally, I was very logical about relationships. For me, there was right and wrong. There were things I could do and things I would never do. Somehow that changed with Firefighter. I began to feel like we could make it through anything. Through the distance, through my baggage, and through his.

There have been many factors over the years for the reason we had to continue our long distance. The main reason was mine. I wasn't able to leave the country until I had settled some things. I also was not in a position to have Firefighter come here without a job.

This past February was the month it could have all happened. We are both free to be together. All outside factors no longer exist to prevent either of us from moving. Because Firefighter has a job and is making enough money to support us both, the plan was for me to move there and try to find a teaching job.  I sold my car, left my job (which was easy because it wasn't really what I wanted to do) and was prepared to begin a life anew. However, Firefighter has decided he is not ready. I have tried to be patient and understanding, but it's difficult. I feel like this is the time in my life where I should be planning and looking towards the future. I don't want the constant back and forth anymore. It has not been easy for me to decide to move to Bermuda. I have already given up a lot to be with Firefighter. Not only material things, but also a secure source of income and benefits. I decided to get my degree in teaching because I believed it would easy for me to get a teaching job. It was not my first choice. Now he's telling me he wants me to wait longer. So, what should I do? Keep my life on hold until he's suddenly ready to start our life together?

It sounds ridiculous. My logical side leaves me feeling stupid at times. I think about all the decisions I have made because of how much I wanted us to be together, because I love him. It's making me feel like I should move on and begin my life without Firefighter. As much as I love him, I just can't live a life in limbo. So, I've been trying to factor Firefighter out when I think about my dreams and what I want to accomplish in my lifetime.

My heart on the other hand is telling me something else. That this love can conquer all.

Not So Musical Friday Fill-In

 

Lyrics this week. I'm not very good at this, so I hope my fill-in is at least entertaining! 

1. Bert Kaempfert's name is completely foreign to me.
2. Although it isn't not the case, at my age, I should be ready to have kids, naturally.
3. So I'm packing my bags for when I'm ready to have an adventure.
4. I'm happy it's almost spring and I'll soon be rid of these winter blues.
5. Put the money into my bank account, so I can take a trip and have an adventure.
6. I would be completely disgusted if she dips her donut in my tea.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my family, tomorrow my plans include spending some of the gift certificated I have (Free VS panty and Best Buy rewards!) and Sunday, I want to relax and enjoy "Once Upon a Time" on ABC!

One-Minute Writer: Cartoons

 I've been following The One-Minute Writer for some time now and have even participated in a couple of the prompts, leaving my writing in the comments section on that blog. However, since I have resolved to be a better me, and writing is what I hope to be my profession one day (Did I really just admit that out loud?!), I have decided I am going to try and be more consistent.

The prompt today is: Which cartoon or children's TV show from childhood is most burned in your memory?

One of my favorite cartoons growing up was Captain Planet. My sister and I both pretended to be planeteers (my power was wind, hers was water). In middle school, I even wrote a dystopian short story that was set in a future filled with pollution and used the cartoon as a catalyst for the character's growing awareness. Trust me, I was obsessed. Today I can still sing the theme song as I reduce, reuse and recycle.
So remember, We're the planeteers, You can be one too!

Okay, I'm stopping before I get carried away. Plus, my minute was up about 20 seconds ago!

What's your favorite childhood cartoon?   

Fifth Friday Fill-In

I decided to start participating again!!! It's so fun and I miss it. 

1. Paisley is old fashioned, but so am I!
2. I keep losing my winter hat, which leaves me with a COLD HEAD!
3. Where is the love?
4. When will the winter end?
5. Sometimes, less is not enough.
6. On my turkey sandwiches, I love Grey Poupon.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being a couch potato, tomorrow my plans include being a couch potato and Sunday, I want to (can you guess?) be a couch potato!

"Would You Like the Extended Warranty?"

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I'm the world's biggest klutz. I have bumped and bruised just about every part of my body. I trip at least once a day at work. I some times worry I may appear to be drunk ALL the time! My personal belongings also suffer from my lack of coordination. I have broken more glasses and spilled more drinks than the average human. My blackberry once ended up in the toilet. I've even dropped my laptop off Firefighter's bed and onto the hard, tiled floor. My Kindle had to be replaced THREE times by Amazon (who by the way has the best return policy) because I kept accidentally stepping on it. This is the reason I always sign up for the extended warranty when purchasing high priced items. At some point, I always have to return it to the store to be fixed, replaced or refunded.

The whole point of this is that I've been wondering what it would be like if you could get a warranty on ANYTHING!!! All the time and effort you spent getting ready for an important meeting at work--you get it all back and can instead go out to dinner with your friends. The 9 years I spent in my first relationship: the times I chose to spend with Ex instead of my family and friends, the nights I spent stressing because I knew I should break up with him, choosing to stay in the US instead of going to school in Taiwan! The last 3 years with Firefighter: the money we've spent, the decisions I've made, my heart... It's been difficult and it's becoming harder each day.

At this point, I thought I would already be living in Bermuda. Everything we've planned is now falling apart. I'm worrying about every detail, questioning everything! What choice should I make? It's so hard because once I've made it there is no warranty. I can't get it back. My time, effort, heart...

So, I do wish these life decisions came with a warranty. It would help me be braver and take chances that I normally wouldn't take. I spend so much time analyzing things that I some times cannot just enjoy the moment. I look at every angle and outcome. But knowing I could get it all back, and have a second chance or third or even fourth...what a difference that would make!

How would your life be different if you could get that extended warranty?
Would you even take it?

Loving You

I  listened closely
today
and I swear
to you
that my
heartbeat,
in perfect
Morse Code,
was slowly
and efficiently
typing out
your name.

What is Love?

New Year Revolution

No, I didn't get that wrong. I know it's supposed to be resolution. However, this year, I need more. It isn't a matter of doing or not doing something.

2013 is going to be about CHANGE! I'm going to take drastic action to make things happen.

I've been feeling stuck. There's a line from the "Friends" theme song that describes how I've been feeling: "It's like you're always stuck in second gear." There's just been no progress. My life have become so stagnant. I've been looking at it and coming to the realization that I stopped trying to grow.

When I met Firefighter, I was on my way to becoming the woman I wanted to be. I was pursuing all angles to find out what I truly wanted out of life. Then I fell in love and began to pursue that. I'm not saying it's wrong, but I'm beginning to see that it's wrong for me. Compromising my dreams will only lead to resentment.

So, in 2013, I'm choosing me.