Emotional Incompetence

This weekend marks a year since Firefighter and I met. Can you believe it? I can't. It's crazy how time seems to be flying. Some times I still get that feeling that I'm rushing into things. I know it's silly but I'm a worrier. I've been spending a lot of time in my brain reminiscing. I get butterflies just thinking about him. It is amazing how much a person I barely knew just a year ago, someone I only knew of by name for years before that, could become such a prevalent player in my story. I get so excited and full of anxiety when I think about it.

It seems ridiculous but when it comes to relationships I need a handicap. You know like the one they get in sports. I'm just unsure of how to maneuver through a relationship. One problem is I don't know which issues I should bring up and which I need to just drop. I'm so afraid that I may be unconsciously trying to sabotage things but on the other hand I'm paranoid that I may just be blinded by love. I know. I know. I have issues. Once again, because he is so good at forcing me to communicate when I usually shut down, we were able to talk about it.

Me: I'm just used to holding people back. And I don't want to inadvertently do that with you because I'm scared.

Firefighter: I understand.

Me: So I don't know which things I should bring up and which I should just drop.

Firefighter: Just be straight with me. Bring up whatever you want.

Me: I feel so incompetent when it comes to dealing with these things. What if it's something minor? I don't want to feel like I'm making a big deal about it if it's not important to you

Firefighter: Well, it's important to you. So it's doesn't matter how I feel about it.

That's when I got teary and realized how lucky I am to find someone who is willing to put up with all my issues and insecurities.

I have promised to work on being more open though. And as we begin this second year of our life as a couple I look forward to everything that may come.

One More Night

It's my last night in Bermuda and I'm trying to finish a lesson plan. Well, right now I'm taking a break to write this blog. Firefighter is sitting beside me watching tv. It's so nice being able to do this with him at my side. It gives me a glimpse into what our future will be like together.

I had such an amazing time. Well, I guess I always do. Firefighter is always coming up with fun outings for us. Today we took a drive to one end of the island and then took the ferry into town, where we had lunch. He didn't tell me his plans before hand because he wanted to surprise me. I think it's funny that he knew how thrilled I would be to ride the ferry.

Okay, I'm going to finish my work so I can spend time with Firefighter. Graduate school is keeping me so busy!!!!

By the way, the title for this blog comes from Firefighter. He keeps singing the song, One More Night. It's pretty cute but funny. Lol

The Doubt That Lingers

I'm not exactly show when I lost the ability to trust. Or maybe it's something I never really fully developed. All I know is that as far back as I can remember there has been a wall around my heart. I know that's a silly cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it. I am so aware of it that it has become a tangible force. I can feel when it's thinning and when it begins to rebuild it's defense. Some times I can control it but for the most part it's like a white blood cell, protecting me from hurt.

There hasn't been anyone in my life I can be completely open with. Like the woman in the Bruce Springsteen song, I too have a secret garden. And although the people closest to me, my mother, sister, Skye and somehow Firefighter all hover right on the border I can't seem to give them the key. Skye and I have been best friends since the Fall of 2002 and now, almost 8 years later our relationship continues to grow and build the trust that I have never had with anyone outside of my family. I have known Firefight for less that a year, but he has already made it past so many barriers. And he did it with such little resistance. I find myself having to stop from revealing things that I have never told anyone. Things I haven't even been able to say out loud. I can see myself giving in the the power he seems to hold to make me feel...I can see myself giving him the key. But I don't know if I should.

The fact that I may never completely let my guard down worries me.  But what's even more terrifying is the fact that giving my all would leave me completely defenseless. In my last post I explained the whole facebook fiasco. I know you can't control someone's actions and he can't control his ex from posting pictures of them on the internet. But it leaves traces of doubt in me. I can't help it. It's just there.

So here are the lyrics to the song that I always feel was written just for me.

         Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knocking late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go driving around
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That will bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into the secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far did you get
That place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down the path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
And she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million mile away

Fourth Friday Fill-In #182

1. On vacation, I like to experience anything new.
2. I love swimming in the ocean.
3. One of my favorite vacation spots is Bermuda, the sun, the surf, the love .
4. I can't wait to kiss him (Firefighter) under the full moon.
5. Up, up and away is where I'll be next Friday.
6. Bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs (Do you remember that show?).
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finally having NO homework, tomorrow my plans include doing laundry so I'll have clean clothes to take to Bermuda next weekend and Sunday, I want to relax and get ready to start a new set of classes!

The Many Problems of Facebook

1. I spend way too much time on facebook instead of doing homework. I may have to disconnect my laptop from the internet. I find way too many excuses to get on the internet and do "research" that soon turns into playing games, which leads me to the next problem...
2. I'm addicted to the darn games. At one point I had 3 farms, 2 restaurants, 2 pets, an aquarium filled with fish...the list goes on and on. I'll stop before you realize how crazy I am. But they are just so much fun!
3. Random people from childhood request friendship. I'm not sure how people I knew in the 3rd grade remember both my first AND last name.  I choose to believe that I made such a HUGE impact on their lives and I'm UNFORGETTABLE.
4. Random people, who you've never met, requesting friendship. I don't see the point.
5. Random messages from strangers. This happened to me yesterday. Someone messaged me with the link to Firefighter's ex-girlfriend's Myspace page. She still has old pictures of them posted. I wasn't sure what to think. It's sort of strange to have pics of your ex on your profile. The only reason I'm not still freaking out about it is because I can tell they're old pictures. Firefighter looks different than when I first met him. This was by far the craziest thing that has ever happen to me. I spoke to Firefighter about it today. He thinks it was his ex-girlfriend who sent the message. I don't know who it was but it makes me mad.

I now want to deactivate my account. I don't know if I can:
A. Handle the distractions while I'm in school and
B. Handle the crazy people out there.

What do you guys suggest?

Emotion

It was a look that embodied the fear of happiness that only those who had unexpectedly, unguardedly fallen in love could wear.

 - Elif Shafak The Bastard of Istanbul

My Romance Novel Boyfriend

This is a bit late but I wanted to blog about my last trip to Bermuda. I apologize in advance for sounding like a sappy, love-sick, puppy. As always I had a spectacular time. Being with Firefighter helped to alleviate some of my anxieties and fears. He is such an amazing guy. If I didn't know him I wouldn't believe someone like him actually existed.
 
The first afternoon there we went to a park that overlooked the ocean. Firefighter brought a bottle of wine and glasses. We spent hours sitting there and talking. It set the tone for the rest of my days there. We took each day at a time, just happy to be in each others' presence.

On mornings, we would either go running on the beach or head to the gym. Some days we would go site seeing, exploring forts on the island. Firefighter made lunch or dinner or both!

Overall we spent a lot of time talking. I learn new things about him every day and it only makes me love him more. He is considerate and kind. We share a lot of the same values and opinions. I feel (get ready to throw up) like we were destined to meet. Everything in my life has been leading me towards him. I feel lucky enough to have that happen twice in my life. The first time was with my best friend Skye.

And what am I doing instead of just enjoying these wonderful moments and treasuring our memories? I wonder if this is all too good to be true.  Everything in life is suddenly moving along the right path... Skye and I are both in graduate school. I have a boyfriend who is thoughtful and considerate. My family is healthy and happy. I'm just afraid of everything coming crashing down. Sorry I'm ending on such a cynical note. I'm trying!!!!

Back to School

Yes! You read the title correctly. I am once again a student! On May 17, 2010 I started my Masters in Teaching program. It feels absolutely great being in a classroom again. Posing for my student ID, way too expensive textbooks, pens, pencils, the discussions in class, lectures...I love it ALL!!!

I must admit. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. It is a one year program so I am going to be very busy. I have 4 classes to complete this summer. I am halfway through the first 2 and it has only been 3 weeks. Before they end I have 2 oral presentations, several writing assignments and lessons plans due. I am trying to take things step by step because if I sat and just thought about how much I have to do in the next 3 weeks I think I'll cry.

In the September I start a year long internship at a high school. In October, I am expected to take over one of the classes!!! Yikes! Although I have my BA in English I don't think I recall much. How am I expected to teach a bunch of teenagers things I have long forgotten? I have a hard time just editing this blog!

The silver lining is I will be graduating in May 2011. Well, hopefully. That depends on whether I do a good job and pass all my classes. If all goes well, I will have my very own classroom in September 2011. Those poor, poor kids. LOL!

I almost forgot to mention. I  usually buy my books from Borders. They have a free membership rewards program and they offer coupons weekly. However, I discovered Amazon.com offers textbooks for a lot cheaper than my school's bookstore. I was also able to get free shipping. Just thought I would share this bargain tidbit with you.  :o)

Runaway

I'm an eternal pessimist. No matter how hard I try to just live in the moment and enjoy the life I have right now, I can't. I am always thinking about the worst case scenario.

It has been a little over 7 months since Firefighter and I decided to make things official. Last week I went to Bermuda to spend the week with him. The week before I left I had a panic attack. It suddenly hit me...I am completely head over heels over this man. As each day goes by I grow more in-love with him. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can picture our lives together. These are scary words for me.

I have to admit there is a part of me ready to run. To end it now and save myself what could become heartbreak in the future. Love is not something I deal with well. It terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable. In my life I have tried my best to not grow attached to anyone. There are only a few friends in my life right now who I would be devastated if we lost contact. I protect my heart the way some people protect the valuables.

Trust is another. And although I do trust him, my self-doubt and past relationship makes me wonder what would keep him from straying. I know I'm setting myself up for failure. But in my experience I have learned that besides myself there are only 3 people I can truly count on: my mother, my sister and my best friend, Skye. I almost ran away from her friendship! I guess I should learn from that. I gave myself a chance to let someone in and I can't imagine what my life would be without her.

Laws of Attraction

I have always wondered what it is that makes one person attractive to someone and not to another. When I first met my ex I was 16 and nothing about him drew me to him. But as we spent more time together his personality started to win me over and 2 years later we were dating.

I was instantly attracted to Firefighter. The way he looked, stood, walked...everything about him seemed irresistible.

So how important are looks? It is the first thing we see when we look at someone. I have always argued that they aren't everything. As it did with my ex, a person can grow on you. And somehow, as you grow to admire them they become more attractive.

If Firefighter did indeed turn out to be a jerk or possessed qualities that I did not admire I am sure I would have been turned off. (Well, I hope I would have been able to resist his magnetism.) But everything about him was appealing. And as I began spending more time with him and learning about him I fell deeper.

What do you guys think? Does what a person look like affect whether or not you date him/her?

MIA

For all of you who actually read this blog and care, I apologize for my lack of updates. My computer has been on the fritz since the beginning of the year. However, I am planning on picking it up today after work. This will be the fourth time I've gone to get it! Let me recap my horrible experience.

It stopped working when I accidentally dropped it off Firefighter's bed. When I took it in to Sony Style Backstage Repair I was told that the only thing wrong was the hard-drive. They promised to replace it and mail it back to me. (Thank goodness for warranty!!!) As promised, two weeks later I received a box in the mail with my laptop in it. The hard-drive seemed to be fixed but the screen was messing up and it would restart sporadically. 

That led to my 2nd trip to Sony. This time my graphics card needed to be replaced. So I left it with them once again. This time I didn't hear anything from them for 2 weeks so I decided to call. I was told I could come get it. I went to retrieve it, got home, tried to turn it on and it wouldn't start up. I was pissed.

On my third trip to Sony I was told I probably needed a new motherboard. Now, more than three weeks later I had to call again! I was told I can come get it. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it finally works properly.

Now I'm getting back to work. Hope to blog again soon!