The Doubt That Lingers

I'm not exactly show when I lost the ability to trust. Or maybe it's something I never really fully developed. All I know is that as far back as I can remember there has been a wall around my heart. I know that's a silly cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it. I am so aware of it that it has become a tangible force. I can feel when it's thinning and when it begins to rebuild it's defense. Some times I can control it but for the most part it's like a white blood cell, protecting me from hurt.

There hasn't been anyone in my life I can be completely open with. Like the woman in the Bruce Springsteen song, I too have a secret garden. And although the people closest to me, my mother, sister, Skye and somehow Firefighter all hover right on the border I can't seem to give them the key. Skye and I have been best friends since the Fall of 2002 and now, almost 8 years later our relationship continues to grow and build the trust that I have never had with anyone outside of my family. I have known Firefight for less that a year, but he has already made it past so many barriers. And he did it with such little resistance. I find myself having to stop from revealing things that I have never told anyone. Things I haven't even been able to say out loud. I can see myself giving in the the power he seems to hold to make me feel...I can see myself giving him the key. But I don't know if I should.

The fact that I may never completely let my guard down worries me.  But what's even more terrifying is the fact that giving my all would leave me completely defenseless. In my last post I explained the whole facebook fiasco. I know you can't control someone's actions and he can't control his ex from posting pictures of them on the internet. But it leaves traces of doubt in me. I can't help it. It's just there.

So here are the lyrics to the song that I always feel was written just for me.

         Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knocking late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go driving around
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That will bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into the secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far did you get
That place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down the path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
And she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million mile away