My Path

So it's finally here! I am in Bermuda!

After a summer filled with uncertainty and working up the courage to tell my father my plans, I'm here. How do I feel? Honestly, I still have doubts. This week has been filled with both joy and laughter, and tears and pain. I still wonder if it is the right decision. I have already given up my job, which not only provided financial stability, but also provided me with health, dental and eyecare insurance. I have also decided to sell my car and defer my student loans. Plus, I won't see my family!

I've left all that to come to a country where I won't have ANY of it. I cannot get a job because I don't have a work permit. I don't even know when I will be getting one. At the end of the month I have to go back to the states to finalize some things before I can move forward with this leaving me feeling like I'm in vacation mode. I don't feel at home...not yet at least. 

Things are also a bit rocky between Firefighter and I. I don't think I'm willing to share more on this. Not just yet anyway.

To some, myself included (I'm a Virgo), this doesn't seem practical. I have always done what was expected. I was valedictorian of my high school class, received a full scholarship to college and then went on to get my Masters. The next step would have been to start my career. It wasn't easy, but I found a job. It wasn't what I wanted, but I know if I stuck with it, once the position I wanted opened up, they would have given it to me. 

So why give it up? Why leave everything behind for this uncertainty? The only answer I have, which embarrasses me every time I admit it, is because I love Firefighter. I want to build my life and future with him. All the doubts, the rough patches, the uncertainty and instability somehow do not compare to not being here with him. 

Maybe I'm a fool, but this is the path I'm on. At least for now...

One More Night

It's my last night in Bermuda and I'm trying to finish a lesson plan. Well, right now I'm taking a break to write this blog. Firefighter is sitting beside me watching tv. It's so nice being able to do this with him at my side. It gives me a glimpse into what our future will be like together.

I had such an amazing time. Well, I guess I always do. Firefighter is always coming up with fun outings for us. Today we took a drive to one end of the island and then took the ferry into town, where we had lunch. He didn't tell me his plans before hand because he wanted to surprise me. I think it's funny that he knew how thrilled I would be to ride the ferry.

Okay, I'm going to finish my work so I can spend time with Firefighter. Graduate school is keeping me so busy!!!!

By the way, the title for this blog comes from Firefighter. He keeps singing the song, One More Night. It's pretty cute but funny. Lol

My Romance Novel Boyfriend

This is a bit late but I wanted to blog about my last trip to Bermuda. I apologize in advance for sounding like a sappy, love-sick, puppy. As always I had a spectacular time. Being with Firefighter helped to alleviate some of my anxieties and fears. He is such an amazing guy. If I didn't know him I wouldn't believe someone like him actually existed.
 
The first afternoon there we went to a park that overlooked the ocean. Firefighter brought a bottle of wine and glasses. We spent hours sitting there and talking. It set the tone for the rest of my days there. We took each day at a time, just happy to be in each others' presence.

On mornings, we would either go running on the beach or head to the gym. Some days we would go site seeing, exploring forts on the island. Firefighter made lunch or dinner or both!

Overall we spent a lot of time talking. I learn new things about him every day and it only makes me love him more. He is considerate and kind. We share a lot of the same values and opinions. I feel (get ready to throw up) like we were destined to meet. Everything in my life has been leading me towards him. I feel lucky enough to have that happen twice in my life. The first time was with my best friend Skye.

And what am I doing instead of just enjoying these wonderful moments and treasuring our memories? I wonder if this is all too good to be true.  Everything in life is suddenly moving along the right path... Skye and I are both in graduate school. I have a boyfriend who is thoughtful and considerate. My family is healthy and happy. I'm just afraid of everything coming crashing down. Sorry I'm ending on such a cynical note. I'm trying!!!!

Back to Bermuda

Once again I find myself in Bermuda. I was home for only a week before my ticket was booked. I know it sounds crazy, but a week away felt more like a month. Plus, I wasn't thinking clearly...I guess that's obvious. I just wanted to be with Firefighter again. Silly: yes. Obsessed: hopefully not. All I know is I've never had such intense feelings about anyone before and the fact that we've grown so close in such a short amount of time speaks volumes. I can tell him anything. I'm constantly pushing my boundaries and it's okay.Well, not completely okay. I still freak out when I think about it. How can I let my guard down? I have friends who I've known for years and they don't know a quarter of the things I've told Firefighter.

I think it helps that he sees me for who I am. He doesn't have any preconceived notions of how I should act. He takes me for me. I don't get that a lot. I'm seen as the "good" girl...the perfect girl. Great student, studious, respectful. And although that is a part of who I am, it isn't everything. There is so much pressure to live up to people's expectations. I never have to pretend around Firefighter. I can let my guard down without fear of judgment or criticism.

The next time we see each other will be in the States. Firefighter doesn't have time off until mid November so it will be 4 weeks before we see each other again. :o(

Oh! It's now official. He's my boyfriend. It's really silly to have the "official" title now. Nothing is really going to change from how it has been going. But now I can change my status on facebook to "in a relationship." lol.

Falling

I am having so much fun with Firefighter. Since he had to work on my birthday, we decided to celebrate the day before. (Firefighter's schedule is pretty crazy. He works one day from 7am to 11pm, but then has the next day or two off.) We went out for dinner and drinks. It gave us an opportunity to talk and enjoy being in each others company. At midnight, mid sentence, he kissed me and wished me Happy Birthday.
During Firefighter's days off, we spend every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment together. He is such an amazing guy. I am enjoying every minute. My only distress comes when I stop enjoying the moment and start worrying about what we're doing. To make matters worse, Firefighter decided to tell me how he felt about me. I have a hard time discussing my emotions, so this is never something I enjoy doing. I told him to stop but he insisted in letting me know that he was falling in love with me. I really freaked out.

I have just been so happy by myself. I spent my entire adult life in a relationship and this past year and a half has been wonderful. I have been able to learn so much about myself. Adding another factor into an almost perfect equation would be crazy. Unfortunately, I've developed the same feelings for him. I told him I feel the same way but couldn't actually say the "L" word. Now, I'm filled with doubt and fear. But at the same time, hope is building inside of me. Can I really have fallen in love after knowing this man for only 2 months? Should I really dive into a relationship. The practical side of me says no. How can this possibly be real? How can I make this work? How can WE make this work? But every emotion and instinct is pushing me towards him. I don't want to lose him and everything in me is telling me not to run from this.

               Falling

I don’t know, but I think, I maybe fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly, maybe I should keep this to myself
Wait until I know you better

I am trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here, and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you, and we start to dance
All around us, I see nobody
Here in silence, it’s just you and me

I’m trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it, my heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you 

I can’t stop thinking about it, I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it, I think I’m fallin’ for you

Summer Romance

So my vacation is over and I'm back in Boston. What did I decide to do about my flirtation? Well, I'll start from where I left off.

I didn't see Firefighter again until the middle of the week. He came over just as my uncle and I were leaving to take a change of clothes to my younger cousin at his job. My uncle decided that Firefighter and I could go instead. I was so nervous. I hadn't seen him since the day after the wedding and we hadn't discussed what happened that night. I wasn't ready. Firefighter rides a bike. The good thing about that is you can't do much talking. The bad thing is there is A LOT of physical contact...okay maybe that's a good thing too. We took the clothes to my cousin and then Firefighter took me riding all over the island. We went to his station at the airport and he introduced me to his coworkers. It was an amazing day and we never discussed what was happening between us. We just enjoyed each other.

Headed to the party!

The next time I saw him was at a party my aunt hosted at her house on the weekend. He came with his friends and they invited me to spend the following day with them. The Non-Mariners Race is a day when people take their boats a couple hundred feet out, tie them together and party. Of course I said I would go. Once again he didn't try anything. We hung out with his friends, swam from boat to boat and basically had a fun day on the water. At this point I wasn't sure how he was feeling. After being all over me at the wedding to not touching me at all. I was soooo... confused.

On my last night in Bermuda I didn't know what to do. I kept thinking about him and wondering what was going to happen. I hadn't seen him since Non-Mariners and was worried I wouldn't see him before I left. My aunt decided to take us all out for dinner that night. When we got back to the house after dinner Firefighter was leaving. He had come by to see us before we left. I was so happy and relieved to see him. That night we stayed up until 4am talking. And I really mean talking. Yes, we did kiss but we talked about everything. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I was able to open up to him and I wasn't afraid to say anything. I don't know what it is about him but I'm comfortable enough to let him hold me. I don't even like shaking hands and even with friends I'm uncomfortable hugging. Even when I have dated other people (all 2 of them, ha ha) I have never been someone who enjoyed cuddling.

This feeling is quite new to me. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I usually fall for personalities, but I was instantly attracted to Firefighter and now he turns out to be a great guy as well. Although I love the feeling I'm not sure if I like it. Now we're miles apart and I spend my time missing him. We both agreed that even though we felt strongly about each other we weren't interested in a long distance relationship. However, since I've been back we're texting each other, chatting on facebook or talking on the phone. A day hasn't gone by when I haven't communicated with him. I don't know what to do. Should I just consider it a summer fling?

Tempted to Touch

I first saw him at the rehearsal dinner. As you know, I'm in Bermuda for my cousin's wedding. My aunt was hosting the rehearsal dinner at her house and I was helping cook. I was hot and sweaty, and that was when we were introduced.
 
Let me give you a little background info. My aunt has been married to her husband for about 20 years and they have 2 sons together. My aunt has 2 sons from a previous marriage and her husband had one, I'm going to call him Firefighter. (Thanks E for giving me the ideas for nicknames) I have always known of his existence but we had never met and I have never paid much attention to him while looking at pictures. Both my Mom and younger sister had met him on their previous trips to Bermuda. I on the other hand was never interested in knowing about him...that is until I saw him. He is gorgeous.

Firefighter on the right

I didn't really say anything to him that night. I just stayed back and observed. The next time I saw him was at the wedding. He looked amazing in his suit. The best part about him being in the wedding party was I was able to stare and take pictures without anyone thinking I was being a stalker. Ha ha. We spent time together at the reception but were always part of a group. After the wedding, my female friend V, my sister, my male cousin J and Firefighter decided we weren't ready to go home after the reception. Instead we headed to a club/bar that was inside the hotel. Usually, I'm extremely shy, but as you know once alcohol is added to any equation it allows you to lose your inhibitions and speak freely. I became a bit flirtatious. V was being flirty too, so I wasn't sure what he was thinking. That is until he pulled me towards him to dance.

Once again I wasn't ready for the night to end so I suggested going to the beach. We headed back to the house to change, took Firefighter to his house to get his swimsuit and went to the beach. The sky was clear and the moon was high and bright, reflecting beautifully on the water's surface. My sister and J sat on the shore and watched us as we splashed around. It was a lot of fun. When we were leaving Firefighter and I lagged behind a bit and he kissed me. It was perfect. When we got back to my aunt's house he and I sat outside and talked...okay, it was more than talking. But I didn't let things get to far. I told him we had both been drinking and weren't thinking clearly. I said we should wait until tomorrow to decide how we really felt about each other.

Because I am extremely shy I ignored him the next day. I felt arkward and unsure of what I was doing. The family all had breakfast together and then we went to the beach again. Firefighter took us all on a nature walk and I had to do my best to not stare at him. I kept sneaking glances while trying not to be too obvious. That night we had dinner at my aunt's house. When it was time for him to leave I caught his eye and smiled...trying to let him know that I felt the same way without saying anything. Now I have to figure out what I should do.

Going to the Chapel...

I forgot to mention that my family is actually in Bermuda for my cousin's wedding. My Mom's sister lived on the island and she has 4 sons. The oldest is already married. This was her second son's wedding. It was on Saturday and was beautiful. I seem to be using that word a lot here. I need to find a thesaurus and look up some synonyms...dazzling, stunning, gorgeous, wonderful. Ha ha.

The ceromony did make me realize how cynical my views about love have been. It made me sad to think that I didn't believe in true love and happily ever after. My cousin was in tears watching his bride walk down the aisle and so was I. As I listened to the priest speak about what love and marriage meant it suddenly hit me that I want those things. I want to find someone to share my life with, through the good and bad times. I just don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down.

View from the park where the bridal party posed for pics.

Bermuda

Bermuda is breathtakingly beautiful. You get a glimpse of its beauty when you flying into the island. Looking out the window I gasped to see towers of clouds. I should have taken a picture but I wasn't thinking because I was in such awe. I know. I sound like one of those cheesy tourist ads, but it really is gorgeous.

As soon as we dropped our bags off at my aunt's house we headed to the beach. The water is so clear you could see the sand below you. Everything is perfect. The sand, the surf, the air. I wish I could stay here forever.

Running along the shore