Back to Bermuda

Once again I find myself in Bermuda. I was home for only a week before my ticket was booked. I know it sounds crazy, but a week away felt more like a month. Plus, I wasn't thinking clearly...I guess that's obvious. I just wanted to be with Firefighter again. Silly: yes. Obsessed: hopefully not. All I know is I've never had such intense feelings about anyone before and the fact that we've grown so close in such a short amount of time speaks volumes. I can tell him anything. I'm constantly pushing my boundaries and it's okay.Well, not completely okay. I still freak out when I think about it. How can I let my guard down? I have friends who I've known for years and they don't know a quarter of the things I've told Firefighter.

I think it helps that he sees me for who I am. He doesn't have any preconceived notions of how I should act. He takes me for me. I don't get that a lot. I'm seen as the "good" girl...the perfect girl. Great student, studious, respectful. And although that is a part of who I am, it isn't everything. There is so much pressure to live up to people's expectations. I never have to pretend around Firefighter. I can let my guard down without fear of judgment or criticism.

The next time we see each other will be in the States. Firefighter doesn't have time off until mid November so it will be 4 weeks before we see each other again. :o(

Oh! It's now official. He's my boyfriend. It's really silly to have the "official" title now. Nothing is really going to change from how it has been going. But now I can change my status on facebook to "in a relationship." lol.

Falling

I am having so much fun with Firefighter. Since he had to work on my birthday, we decided to celebrate the day before. (Firefighter's schedule is pretty crazy. He works one day from 7am to 11pm, but then has the next day or two off.) We went out for dinner and drinks. It gave us an opportunity to talk and enjoy being in each others company. At midnight, mid sentence, he kissed me and wished me Happy Birthday.
During Firefighter's days off, we spend every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment together. He is such an amazing guy. I am enjoying every minute. My only distress comes when I stop enjoying the moment and start worrying about what we're doing. To make matters worse, Firefighter decided to tell me how he felt about me. I have a hard time discussing my emotions, so this is never something I enjoy doing. I told him to stop but he insisted in letting me know that he was falling in love with me. I really freaked out.

I have just been so happy by myself. I spent my entire adult life in a relationship and this past year and a half has been wonderful. I have been able to learn so much about myself. Adding another factor into an almost perfect equation would be crazy. Unfortunately, I've developed the same feelings for him. I told him I feel the same way but couldn't actually say the "L" word. Now, I'm filled with doubt and fear. But at the same time, hope is building inside of me. Can I really have fallen in love after knowing this man for only 2 months? Should I really dive into a relationship. The practical side of me says no. How can this possibly be real? How can I make this work? How can WE make this work? But every emotion and instinct is pushing me towards him. I don't want to lose him and everything in me is telling me not to run from this.

               Falling

I don’t know, but I think, I maybe fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly, maybe I should keep this to myself
Wait until I know you better

I am trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here, and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you, and we start to dance
All around us, I see nobody
Here in silence, it’s just you and me

I’m trying not to tell you, but I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it, my heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life, and now I found you
I don’t know what to do, I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you 

I can’t stop thinking about it, I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it, I think I’m fallin’ for you

Manic Monday #180

Are you usually late, early or right on time?
It really depends on who I'm meeting but I try to at least be right on time.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or to tell them that you do not love them back?
Anything that has to do with love is difficult for me.

Which would you rather have: a high salary or job satisfaction?
Can't I have both? Ha ha.

Que Sera Sera

My birthday is this Friday, September 4, and I will be in Bermuda. Yes, I'm headed back to the island this Thursday. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I have never felt this way about anyone before and want to spend more time with Firefighter. Here are some words of advice I received from my best friend. (I'm going to call her Skye)

Well you have a decent job and no major bills and a place to stay in Bermuda so you can do the visit thing. Plus there is skype and you handle long distance well.

Stop talking yourself out of it! Enjoy it! Plus he's far away so you won't get totally encompassed by the relationship. Give yourself a chance to be happy.

Just take it day by day. Allow yourself to enjoy it!

Whether the end is a fairytale or nightmare it's worth it. Be brave enough to really truly feel and experience. The gift is in the moment.

Do NOT run away from this one.

So I'll be in Bermuda on September 3rd. Firefighter and I are both very excited to spend my birthday together. We also have have plans for Labor Day with his friends. I can't wait to see where this leads.

Just a Fling?

Sand in my Shoes

Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it 'till tomorrow t0 unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
Should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here
Before I knew that I could get on a plane and fly away
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can watch the sunset
And take my time
Take all our time

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes, to change and turn me around, I've fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see you again

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

I wanna see you again
I wanna see you again

Firefighter and I both decided we didn't want a long distance relationship. I'm not even sure I want any type of relationship. I've been enjoying the time I've had to work on the person I would like to be. I've been happy on my own. But I've been missing him so much since I've been back in Boston. How is it possible to miss someone so much when you barely know him? We have been keeping in contact so I'm beginning to learn more about him. And the more I learn, the more I like.