The Doubt That Lingers

I'm not exactly show when I lost the ability to trust. Or maybe it's something I never really fully developed. All I know is that as far back as I can remember there has been a wall around my heart. I know that's a silly cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it. I am so aware of it that it has become a tangible force. I can feel when it's thinning and when it begins to rebuild it's defense. Some times I can control it but for the most part it's like a white blood cell, protecting me from hurt.

There hasn't been anyone in my life I can be completely open with. Like the woman in the Bruce Springsteen song, I too have a secret garden. And although the people closest to me, my mother, sister, Skye and somehow Firefighter all hover right on the border I can't seem to give them the key. Skye and I have been best friends since the Fall of 2002 and now, almost 8 years later our relationship continues to grow and build the trust that I have never had with anyone outside of my family. I have known Firefight for less that a year, but he has already made it past so many barriers. And he did it with such little resistance. I find myself having to stop from revealing things that I have never told anyone. Things I haven't even been able to say out loud. I can see myself giving in the the power he seems to hold to make me feel...I can see myself giving him the key. But I don't know if I should.

The fact that I may never completely let my guard down worries me.  But what's even more terrifying is the fact that giving my all would leave me completely defenseless. In my last post I explained the whole facebook fiasco. I know you can't control someone's actions and he can't control his ex from posting pictures of them on the internet. But it leaves traces of doubt in me. I can't help it. It's just there.

So here are the lyrics to the song that I always feel was written just for me.

         Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knocking late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go driving around
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That will bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into the secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far did you get
That place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down the path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
And she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million mile away

Fourth Friday Fill-In #182

1. On vacation, I like to experience anything new.
2. I love swimming in the ocean.
3. One of my favorite vacation spots is Bermuda, the sun, the surf, the love .
4. I can't wait to kiss him (Firefighter) under the full moon.
5. Up, up and away is where I'll be next Friday.
6. Bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs (Do you remember that show?).
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finally having NO homework, tomorrow my plans include doing laundry so I'll have clean clothes to take to Bermuda next weekend and Sunday, I want to relax and get ready to start a new set of classes!

The Many Problems of Facebook

1. I spend way too much time on facebook instead of doing homework. I may have to disconnect my laptop from the internet. I find way too many excuses to get on the internet and do "research" that soon turns into playing games, which leads me to the next problem...
2. I'm addicted to the darn games. At one point I had 3 farms, 2 restaurants, 2 pets, an aquarium filled with fish...the list goes on and on. I'll stop before you realize how crazy I am. But they are just so much fun!
3. Random people from childhood request friendship. I'm not sure how people I knew in the 3rd grade remember both my first AND last name.  I choose to believe that I made such a HUGE impact on their lives and I'm UNFORGETTABLE.
4. Random people, who you've never met, requesting friendship. I don't see the point.
5. Random messages from strangers. This happened to me yesterday. Someone messaged me with the link to Firefighter's ex-girlfriend's Myspace page. She still has old pictures of them posted. I wasn't sure what to think. It's sort of strange to have pics of your ex on your profile. The only reason I'm not still freaking out about it is because I can tell they're old pictures. Firefighter looks different than when I first met him. This was by far the craziest thing that has ever happen to me. I spoke to Firefighter about it today. He thinks it was his ex-girlfriend who sent the message. I don't know who it was but it makes me mad.

I now want to deactivate my account. I don't know if I can:
A. Handle the distractions while I'm in school and
B. Handle the crazy people out there.

What do you guys suggest?

Emotion

It was a look that embodied the fear of happiness that only those who had unexpectedly, unguardedly fallen in love could wear.

 - Elif Shafak The Bastard of Istanbul

My Romance Novel Boyfriend

This is a bit late but I wanted to blog about my last trip to Bermuda. I apologize in advance for sounding like a sappy, love-sick, puppy. As always I had a spectacular time. Being with Firefighter helped to alleviate some of my anxieties and fears. He is such an amazing guy. If I didn't know him I wouldn't believe someone like him actually existed.
 
The first afternoon there we went to a park that overlooked the ocean. Firefighter brought a bottle of wine and glasses. We spent hours sitting there and talking. It set the tone for the rest of my days there. We took each day at a time, just happy to be in each others' presence.

On mornings, we would either go running on the beach or head to the gym. Some days we would go site seeing, exploring forts on the island. Firefighter made lunch or dinner or both!

Overall we spent a lot of time talking. I learn new things about him every day and it only makes me love him more. He is considerate and kind. We share a lot of the same values and opinions. I feel (get ready to throw up) like we were destined to meet. Everything in my life has been leading me towards him. I feel lucky enough to have that happen twice in my life. The first time was with my best friend Skye.

And what am I doing instead of just enjoying these wonderful moments and treasuring our memories? I wonder if this is all too good to be true.  Everything in life is suddenly moving along the right path... Skye and I are both in graduate school. I have a boyfriend who is thoughtful and considerate. My family is healthy and happy. I'm just afraid of everything coming crashing down. Sorry I'm ending on such a cynical note. I'm trying!!!!