Heartbreak

At the beginning of last year I broke up with my boyfriend. Although I knew it was the right thing to do it was very hard to let go. During the breakup process, which lasted for several months, I wrote him a letter. Here is an excerpt.

I don’t really know where to start. I guess I’m writing this because every time I try to talk to you in person I get too emotional to speak. When I come to you I know exactly what I want to say but tears seem to materialize instead of words.

You know that U2 song, “Stuck in a Moment?” That’s how I’ve been feeling. I keep reliving the hurt. And it comes regardless of where I am or who I’m with. I’ll start remembering and it’s awful. I want to move past this, to somehow get over it. But I can’t when it’s like this…stagnant. I want us to move forward with our lives be it together or separately.

I have loved you since I was 18. That’s my entire adult life. And I don’t want to lose you. I can’t imagine my life without you. But life is short. We are here for just a moment in time and I want to make the best of it. I want to be happy. I want to spend time with the people I love. I want to visit every continent and experience as much as I can in the time that I have. I want to make memories that will last beyond a lifetime. And I want to do that with a man that I love and who loves me.

Letting go literally feels like a part of myself is being ripped off. I feel like we are connected in some invisible way, and pulling away from each other hurts. Like pulling apart two pieces of paper that are glued together.

I think what I need from you is your honesty. I know you think it doesn’t matter when you think I won’t believe you. But I believe in you. I have faith in you. And that’s what I need. Honesty. And I need you to not be afraid of hurting my feelings. If you can’t deal with all this, let me know. Let me go. I know it will hurt but then we can start the process of healing. And right now that can’t happen. I know I’m being a coward and behaving selfishly but I don’t know how to leave you alone. So I need you to do it if that’s what has to happen. I need to hear the words so I can accept it.

I never sent the letter. Instead, I learned how to let go on my own. Now a year later I am happier than I have ever been.