Runaway

I'm an eternal pessimist. No matter how hard I try to just live in the moment and enjoy the life I have right now, I can't. I am always thinking about the worst case scenario.

It has been a little over 7 months since Firefighter and I decided to make things official. Last week I went to Bermuda to spend the week with him. The week before I left I had a panic attack. It suddenly hit me...I am completely head over heels over this man. As each day goes by I grow more in-love with him. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can picture our lives together. These are scary words for me.

I have to admit there is a part of me ready to run. To end it now and save myself what could become heartbreak in the future. Love is not something I deal with well. It terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable. In my life I have tried my best to not grow attached to anyone. There are only a few friends in my life right now who I would be devastated if we lost contact. I protect my heart the way some people protect the valuables.

Trust is another. And although I do trust him, my self-doubt and past relationship makes me wonder what would keep him from straying. I know I'm setting myself up for failure. But in my experience I have learned that besides myself there are only 3 people I can truly count on: my mother, my sister and my best friend, Skye. I almost ran away from her friendship! I guess I should learn from that. I gave myself a chance to let someone in and I can't imagine what my life would be without her.

Laws of Attraction

I have always wondered what it is that makes one person attractive to someone and not to another. When I first met my ex I was 16 and nothing about him drew me to him. But as we spent more time together his personality started to win me over and 2 years later we were dating.

I was instantly attracted to Firefighter. The way he looked, stood, walked...everything about him seemed irresistible.

So how important are looks? It is the first thing we see when we look at someone. I have always argued that they aren't everything. As it did with my ex, a person can grow on you. And somehow, as you grow to admire them they become more attractive.

If Firefighter did indeed turn out to be a jerk or possessed qualities that I did not admire I am sure I would have been turned off. (Well, I hope I would have been able to resist his magnetism.) But everything about him was appealing. And as I began spending more time with him and learning about him I fell deeper.

What do you guys think? Does what a person look like affect whether or not you date him/her?

MIA

For all of you who actually read this blog and care, I apologize for my lack of updates. My computer has been on the fritz since the beginning of the year. However, I am planning on picking it up today after work. This will be the fourth time I've gone to get it! Let me recap my horrible experience.

It stopped working when I accidentally dropped it off Firefighter's bed. When I took it in to Sony Style Backstage Repair I was told that the only thing wrong was the hard-drive. They promised to replace it and mail it back to me. (Thank goodness for warranty!!!) As promised, two weeks later I received a box in the mail with my laptop in it. The hard-drive seemed to be fixed but the screen was messing up and it would restart sporadically. 

That led to my 2nd trip to Sony. This time my graphics card needed to be replaced. So I left it with them once again. This time I didn't hear anything from them for 2 weeks so I decided to call. I was told I could come get it. I went to retrieve it, got home, tried to turn it on and it wouldn't start up. I was pissed.

On my third trip to Sony I was told I probably needed a new motherboard. Now, more than three weeks later I had to call again! I was told I can come get it. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it finally works properly.

Now I'm getting back to work. Hope to blog again soon!

Solitaire

I leave for Bermuda in a couple of hours. I'll be bringing in the New Year there. Over the past couple weeks I have been spending more and more time alone. I have found that being by myself are some of my favorite moments. I am able to escape into my head without interruptions. I love to daydream and reflect on just about everything.

This past year has been life changing. So much good has happened and instead of worrying about what's going to happen next, I've been enjoying each blessing as it arrives. Yesterday I received my scores for the MTEL. That's the Massachusetts Test for Educator Licensure. When I took it back in November I walked out feeling as though I wasted a ton of money. It had been so long since I had taken a test and I couldn't remember so many things I know I learned in college. But somehow I managed to meet eh qualifying score. I guess I retained more information that originally thought.

So at some point I will be trying to get a job teaching English to Middle or High school students. I'm not sure which I prefer, but it shows me that 2010 is going to be even better than 2009. Who would have thought?

Solace in a Book

Firefighter left on Thursday. We had an amazing visit. The first thing we did when he got here was buy him some gloves and a scarf. Although Bermuda does get quite chilly it can never compare to Boston's winter. He was freezing! We were both staying at a hotel in downtown Boston but, a lot of the weekend was spent at my house with my family. It was nice to see him interacting with them. Although he has spent time with them before it has never been as my boyfriend. On Friday we went to my office Christmas party. It was really nice to see everyone all dressed up and in a festive mood. Firefighter looked so hot. Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures but I should be able to get one from work. I'll try to post one later. The rest of the week flew by. We spent a lot of time in downtown Boston, walking around in the cold. I loved being able to spend everyday with him. Falling asleep and waking up next to him everyday was bliss.

Now it's been about about 5 days without him. Saying goodbye at the airport was harder than I thought. I expected sadness but the overwhelming feeling of melancholy and the tears I had to fight so hard to hold back came as a complete surprise. I can't believe how much his leaving has affected me. I rushed back to the hotel and went right back to sleep. When I woke up the first thing I did was start reading.

I spent most of my childhood and teen years buried in a book. No matter what the circumstance I could get lost in a new world. So to keep my mind off of Firefighter and to stop myself from missing him so much, I'm reading The Lovely Bones. I've been wanting to read it for a number of years. Now, with the movie being released in January I want to get it done. So far it's amazing. You are able to walk along with the main character as she follows the lives of the people she left on Earth after her death. It is at once beautiful and painful.

So that's what I'll be doing for the next two of week, until the 31st. That's when I'll be flying to spend New Year's Eve with Firefighter. I can't wait to see him again.