My Path

So it's finally here! I am in Bermuda!

After a summer filled with uncertainty and working up the courage to tell my father my plans, I'm here. How do I feel? Honestly, I still have doubts. This week has been filled with both joy and laughter, and tears and pain. I still wonder if it is the right decision. I have already given up my job, which not only provided financial stability, but also provided me with health, dental and eyecare insurance. I have also decided to sell my car and defer my student loans. Plus, I won't see my family!

I've left all that to come to a country where I won't have ANY of it. I cannot get a job because I don't have a work permit. I don't even know when I will be getting one. At the end of the month I have to go back to the states to finalize some things before I can move forward with this leaving me feeling like I'm in vacation mode. I don't feel at home...not yet at least. 

Things are also a bit rocky between Firefighter and I. I don't think I'm willing to share more on this. Not just yet anyway.

To some, myself included (I'm a Virgo), this doesn't seem practical. I have always done what was expected. I was valedictorian of my high school class, received a full scholarship to college and then went on to get my Masters. The next step would have been to start my career. It wasn't easy, but I found a job. It wasn't what I wanted, but I know if I stuck with it, once the position I wanted opened up, they would have given it to me. 

So why give it up? Why leave everything behind for this uncertainty? The only answer I have, which embarrasses me every time I admit it, is because I love Firefighter. I want to build my life and future with him. All the doubts, the rough patches, the uncertainty and instability somehow do not compare to not being here with him. 

Maybe I'm a fool, but this is the path I'm on. At least for now...

I'm Ready

There have been so many things going on and I have decided to come back and begin to update my blog. I have so many things to talk about:

1. Returning to Trinidad (the country of my birth) after 17 years
2. Deciding to take my relationship with Firefighter to the next level
3. My first year teaching

I wanted to post a song that I've been listening to a lot lately. It reminds me of my relationship with Firefighter. This July it will be 3 years since meeting. When I think about the patience and love we have had over these past years, hope swells inside of me. Everything is finally at the right place for me to make my move to Bermuda. With the usual anxiety (you know me, the eternal pessimist), I am going to take the chance because I know I need to give us a chance. I know life is never going to be perfect, but I believe we can conquer anything together.

     I Won't Give Up

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work, we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We've got a lot to learn
God know's we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

Soul Baring

...silence could be a great protector. I couldn't afford to cry when there was no escape. Talking about my problems would only illuminate the lines of my unhappiness in the cold light of day, showing me...the things I had been able to bear only because they had been half hidden in the shadows. I couldn't expose myself like that.

 This has stuck with me since reading Girl In Translation last year. I guess it's because, for so long, I too had been living a life in silence. It was easier to pretend everything was okay. Now I find myself fighting against the silence.

These past months have been hard. I've been struggling with being in a long-distance relationship. Firefighter and I have plans to be together, but because of certain circumstances (all mine) it isn't going to happen as soon as I thought it would. And I take it out on him a lot. But during our conversations/arguments, I shut down. I don't know what to say. I'm unable to tell him what I want, and it's driving him crazy.

But the truth is that I have no idea what to do to make things better. To make it feel as though we are moving forward and not stuck in this perpetual cycle of visiting each other and then leaving. I'm sick and tired of missing him, and I'm afraid I might drive him away. So I need to work on myself.

Things I need to work on:
1. Patience: we will be together soon
2. Appreciation: in the mean time I need to be grateful for what we have
3. Self-expression: figure out what I want/need
4. Keep my walls down: don't shut Firefighter out because missing him hurts
5. Be happy: with what we have and what we will have

My First Day of School..

As A Teacher!!!

My life has come full circle. Last Monday I went on an interview at the high school I graduated from. It has had a lot of turn over and there are only 2 teachers left who I knew. But the principal really seemed to like me and on Thursday she called to offer me the job!!! I was thrilled.


So I am now a Co-teacher of 9th grade English. I am so happy. I cannot wait for tomorrow when the kiddies arrive.

Wish me luck!!!

Humble Pie

So, I have to admit. I didn't expect to not have a job with only two weeks left in the summer. Rejection is not something I am used to and after applying to tons of jobs and being turned down so much I'm left feeling like a failure. On the bright side I do have a Plan B. One of the teachers that worked at the school where I did my student teaching is going on paternity leave (yes isn't it great when men are given the opportunity to help with the baby) and asked me to be his substitute while he's gone. Of course I'm happy to do it, but after applying there and being rejected I feel a bit embarrassed returning as a sub. But now, I think I have to suck it up, swallow my pride and do what I have to do to make some money.

I know this is a big lesson for me but I can't stop thinking (very dramatically) "Woe is me!"